


Going Green with Stark Enterprises

by AnonEhouse



Category: Incredible Hulk (2008), Iron Man (Comic), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Donuts, Humor, M/M, Twinkies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-18
Updated: 2012-05-19
Packaged: 2017-11-02 03:30:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony lends his expertise to Bruce.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been giving Tony a lot of angst lately. I decided to let him have a little fun for a change of pace.

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Wow," Tony said to himself, lifting his sunglasses to admire Betty Ross as she hugged Bruce goodbye in the common area and was escorted away from the Avengers Initiative Complex, or, as Tony liked to call it, 'The Super Duper Spandex Clubhouse'. As soon as she was out of sight, Bruce's shoulders drooped and the smile faded from his face.

"Now that's just not right." Tony picked up a couple of coffees from the urn and wandered over to Bruce. "Here, drown your sorrows. I'd give you something better, but Fury keeps all the good stuff locked up in his office, which I think is guarded by starving leopards, or worse, Natasha."

"Thanks." Bruce took the coffee, but didn't drink any.

"Hey, I know this may sound weird coming from me, but I understand. Gorgeous girlfriend, no privacy, long time on the run. I'm pretty sure that if you kick up a fuss, they can arrange something. Or, hey, I own a nice little island the two of you could visit on the weekend. A man's got needs, even green guys need to rock their socks every once in a while." Tony had a gulp of coffee and watched Bruce to see his reaction to the offer. Tony's not really sure why, but he's noticed that some people are offended when you're trying to help them get laid. But sex! Everyone needs sex! Also coffee, but coffee sharing hasn't got him punched, well, there was that one time, but that was entirely not his fault.

"We can't." Bruce looked even sadder than before. "I... you know...adrenaline... If I get... well, it's the same as getting angry. I can't even by myself..." He made a vague sort of gesture and ducked his head, looking rather adorably embarrassed. 

Tony blinked as his mind ticked back over Bruce's history, adding up all the facts and coming to a horrible conclusion. "You mean... you haven't had ANY since you gamma-ized yourself? My God, that's... that's... oh, we've got to do something about that. That's got to be against the Geneva Convention. No wonder the Hulk is so pissed off all the time." 

Bruce stared at Tony. "No, really, it's all right."

"You don't _want_ to be a monk, do you? Really? I know you do all that meditation and zen stuff, but that's just ... oh, hey," Tony snapped his fingers. "Yoga! Let's do yoga! Come on." Tony slugged back his coffee, grabbed Bruce's cup and drank that, too. "I'll give you the benefit of my vast experience. It will make you a better person." 

"Yoga. Sure." Bruce sounded confused, but he didn't protest as Tony dragged him off to one of the smaller exercise rooms and disabled all the security feeds sneakily so they were now cross-feeding from an empty, identical room.

"Great. Now, sit down here, get comfortable." Tony kicked off his shoes and sat down cross-legged on the mat. "Now, let's discuss Tantric Yoga." Tony grinned at Bruce. "It's all about controlling your energy, amping it up, holding it just below critical, and then BAM! good times are had by all without raising your blood pressure or elevating your heart rate past that magic number."

Bruce looked down at Tony. "I don't think..."

"That's right, you don't. You're the student, I am the all-wise guru of sex. The Tony Stark Tantric Sex experience is _awesome_. It will mellow you out down to the marrow of your metamorphic bones." Tony grinned up at Bruce. "I promise to be gentle."

***

Half an hour later Tony looked down in satisfaction at his hands wrapped around Bruce's cock. Bruce was lying on his back, moaning, eyes nicely glazed. "Yeah, yeah, doing good." Bruce's heartrate monitor was bleeping along merrily just below the danger zone. "Almost there, just a little... you can do it." And then Tony just couldn't resist. He was primarily an oral person, and Bruce looked so delicious. He leaned down for a lick and a quick suck.

The monitor went crazy. Bruce came with a shout. Tony got a faceful of come and once more wondered if perhaps the hotness of a van dyke was really worth the clean-up considerations. He looked up to Bruce's face, grinning smugly. Bruce looked back at him with bright, bright, green eyes. "Oh, crap," Tony said as Bruce growled, stretched, expanded, popped muscles the size of truck tires and turned shades of asparagus and pistachio. One huge green hand reached out and Tony dodged, but there really wasn't any place to go. The Hulk grabbed him, but instead of his usual snarling roar, made an inquiring basso grumble and poked Tony in the stomach with one finger, like someone testing the doneness of a loaf of bread. "Hey! Breakable human here! Just put me down, say thank you, and we'll all be good."

The Hulk's forehead developed a crease.

"Oh, good, you're thinking. Thinking is excellent. We're friends. You really, really like me. Most of the time. And especially right now." Tony pointed to the come on his face. "You remember? That was good. You're happy. You're fine." The Hulk brought his huge face and huge mouth and huge square teeth right up to Tony's face, sniffing curiously. Then he licked Tony's face clean. "URGG, that's... ok, fine. Makes you happy, that's fine. Just put me down." 

The Hulk's forehead crease deepened. He put Tony down and patted him on the head, not quite hard enough to knock Tony off his feet. "Great," Tony said. "Just sit down and calm down. When Bruce comes back, we'll..."

And then some moron blew open the locked door and Captain America charged into the room, looking noble and really, really hot in his costume. The Hulk growled. Tony cleared his throat. "This isn't what it looks like."

"Tony," Captain America said while crouching in a way that did really nice things to the muscles in his thighs, "get out of here." He was staring into the Hulk's eyes, and the Hulk was staring back.

"Yeah, right. I see you two have things to discuss." Tony started to edge around. The Hulk grabbed him, tucked him under one arm, smashed a few walls and then jumped. "Nooooo," Tony yelled as his stomach dropped and they burst through a flock of startled pigeons. "I hate flying backwards!" The Hulk kept jumping.

"Oh, God, we're in New Jersey." Tony studied the landscape bouncing along below them. "Hey, wait! That's a Krispy Kreme! Back there. Yes!"

The Hulk thudded to a stop and dropped Tony. Tony sat up and coughed. "Come on, I'll buy you a donut." He grabbed one of the Hulk's fingers and tugged. "I'll get you a whole box." The crease in the Hulk's forehead smoothed out.

"CHOCOLATE."

"You've got it, big guy." Tony whistled cheerfully as he opened the door of the donut shop. The Hulk bent over to peer inside, but couldn't get his shoulders past the opening. Tony whipped out his black card and waved it at the girl standing open-mouthed in shock behind the counter. "Hey! A little service here, please."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and the Hulk are having an outing.

Tony glanced back at the Hulk. "Oh, maybe you'd better stay outside. 'No shirt, no shoes, no service' and you haven't even got pants. Hey!" Tony grinned at the girl behind the counter, cheerfully. "The bakers have aprons, don't they?"

"Really, white goes with everything," Tony told the Hulk as he knotted the store's entire stock of bibbed baker aprons into a sort of kilt and tied the result around the Hulk's big green waist. A tiny frown formed between the Hulk's eyebrows. "I have to say that purple and green is just not classy, big guy." Tony patted the Hulk's hand. "You're way too big to be a grape."

The Hulk's stomach rumbled, ending in a high squeak. Tony patted the Hulk's hand again. "Right, right, you need to carb-load, baby. We want ALL THE DONUTS!"

It turned out to be more efficient to roll the entire multi-layer cooling rack of donuts to the doorway and let the Hulk help himself. It also turned out he didn't like Maple Iced and threw a minor hissy fit at the taste, but fortunately the door wasn't actually a load-bearing part of the structure. 

"Oh, hey." Tony pointed to [a green and white toy truck](https://shop.krispykreme.com/p-16-1938-chevy-panel-van-small.aspx) in a display of branded knick-knacks. "I want one."

"The display's not for sale," the counter girl replied, nervously. "I haven't even got a key to open the case."

Tony pouted. "But I want it."

The Hulk reached in and tapped his fingers on the case. There was a loud crack, and then the case collapsed.

"Oops," Tony said as he retrieved the truck from the heap of broken glass. "Just add that to the bill, will you?" Tony stuffed the truck into his coat pocket and helped himself to another cup of coffee as the Hulk polished off a tray full of sprinkle colored donuts. "Do you feel like going home now, big guy?"

The Hulk picked up a red, white and blue iced donut and squashed it between both fists. Tony winced. "Maybe not just yet. Honestly, I don't know why all the boys fight over me, there's plenty of my awesome to go around." Tony dropped the empty coffee cup on the floor, since there really wasn't a counter any longer. He smiled at the girl. "You know, you really keep your cool. The S.H.I.E.L.D. commissary could use someone like you who doesn't freak out over every little thing. Here's my card. I think you may ...urk," Tony said as the Hulk grabbed him by the collar and pulled him out of the store. 

"Wow, you really are a green-eyed monster aren't you? You already have a girl friend! Remember Betty? Betty the Beautiful?"

The thought wrinkle appeared on the Hulk's brow again. "BETTY LIKE DONUTS?"

"Well, I don't know. Maybe?" Tony was still semi-strangling as the Hulk hung onto his collar with one finger. "Hey, got an idea here! Why don't we take her a box! Crullers! Everyone loves crullers! We'll leave once we have crullers for Betty!" Tony waved semaphore-fashion behind his back in the general direction of the counter girl until he felt the weight of a box of donuts in his hand."Hey, look! Crullers!" He waved the box at the Hulk. "Believe me, donuts are WAY better than flowers to bring to your girl!"

The Hulk blinked, and then grinned. He picked Tony up and turned around, crouching for another leap.

"No, NO! You've just eaten! No jumping for a least an hour after you've eaten!" Tony wiggled upside down, clinging desperately to the box which had BETTER be full of crullers. "You don't want to get stomach cramps in mid-air and drown!"

The Hulk put Tony down. Two wrinkles appeared on his forehead. 

"Yeah, great, perfect." Tony straightened his jacket and tried to restore his hair to normal before giving it up as unnecessary; apparently being Hulk-napped fluffed his hair better than product. "We'll just have a nice, soothing, walk." He reached up and grabbed one of the Hulk's fingers. "You know her address? Well, never mind, we'll go back to the Clubhouse, I'm sure Pepper has it on her Rolodex." Tony tugged and the Hulk followed him back towards the road.

"It's gonna be a hike. I wish I was wearing my [ Iron Man sneakers](http://www.geekosystem.com/iron-man-sneakers/)." 

After a few minutes they reached a highway. Tony looked wistfully at the cars in the distance. "I wish we could hitch a ride. That used to be so easy, put out my thumb, flash a little chest, show 'em my pearly whites, and BOOM, 'Honey, are you goin' my way?' Not that I have anything against jogging. Puts the green in your complexion, you know." 

The Hulk rumbled and stepped out into the road in front of a semi. He put out his thumb and grinned, showing all his huge, square teeth. Tony closed his eyes and winced at the squeal of power brakes. There was a short scream followed by the slam of a door and then the rapidly diminishing sound of someone running away. Tony opened his eyes. "Well, I guess you've still got what it takes, baby." Tony looked at the company name on the side of the truck and pulled out his Stark Phone. "Since we lost the driver, how about I buy the truck?"

The Hulk made an inquiring noise and pointed at the pictures on the side of the truck. Tony laughed. "Excellent! We've hijacked the Twinkie-mobile! Get in the back, I'll drive." 

Tony climbed into the driver's seat and squirmed until he had it adjusted to his liking. The whole truck shifted and there was a loud thud. "Everything all right back there? Got your seatbelt on?" The passenger side of the cab punched in and a big green hand poked through, holding a Twinkie. "Thanks!" Tony took the Twinkie and patted the Hulk's arm. "Now, no distracting the driver, or I'll pull over and... pull over." The Hulk rumbled something and patted Tony on the head before pulling his arm back.

Tony turned on the radio, and ran across an oldie station. He put the pedal to the metal and got the truck going. He began singing, "BOOOOOORRN TO BE WILLLLD."

Behind him, the Hulk joined in.

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/eclectic_house/7228154956/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Bruce, still on the road.

"Hmmm," Tony said half an hour later when the road narrowed so much that tree limbs were brushing against the top of the truck. "I think I may, just possibly, have taken a wrong turn at Weehawken." He slammed a hand into the dashboard. "This GPS is for shit and my phone can't pick up a signal." He sighed. "I knew I should have re-synced it to the Stark Communications Satellite."

"Tony," Bruce's voice came from the rear. "Where are we?"

"Oh, hey, you're back with me, great! We're in... New Jersey. I think. Somewhere on the Atlantic Seaboard definitely! Look! There are... trees! It's not as if we're in a desert. Out there, somewhere, is New York City. We'll find it, it's big." Tony frowned as the truck's engine hiccuped. "But I think we might be having a little, very little, problem with fuel." He whacked the dashboard again and the fuel gauge dropped from full to empty. "Yeah, slight problem there."

"Stop the truck. I think I'm going to be sick."

Tony eased the brakes on, and climbed down from the cab, padding barefoot through the dirt road. "Bruce?" He went around to the Hulk-sized hole punched in the side of the truck and gazed in awe at the debris from many, many cartons of Twinkies. "We've got to enter you in an 'all you can eat' contest.' You could be in the Guinness Book!"

Bruce looked up at him, unhappily. He was a bit green, but not in one of the many shades of Hulk. "Please, don't mention eating, ever again."

"Yeah, sorry about that." Tony offered Bruce his hand. "Come on, get some fresh air, it'll do you good. At least that's what Pepper always tells me. I haven't seen any scientific studies on the subject, so I'm reserving judgment."

Bruce wrapped a torn Krispy Kreme baker's apron around himself, took Tony's hand and jumped out of the truck. He looked around. "Tony, I'm not going to ask how we wound up here."

"That's good." Tony shifted from foot to foot. "Nothing got broken that I can't buy," he said, encouragingly. "Although I think Captain America is going to put both of us on time-out in the naughty corner for the foreseeable future."

Bruce rubbed his forehead. "Fine. So, we find a telephone and call for pick-up." He looked down at his knees showing under the apron. "It might draw _slightly_ less attention if you go to make the call."

"Yeah, well." Tony looked around. "This is farm country, right? So I just... follow the moss on the side of the trees?"

"Or you could take the side path leading from that mailbox," Bruce said, pointing. 

"Or that." Tony grinned and patted Bruce on the shoulder. "Stay out of the sun, you might burn." He started walking, hands in his pockets and kicking at pebbles as he went along. 

Bruce shook his head as he found a small boulder to sit on in the shade. "My mother warned me about men like Tony Stark. Maybe I should have listened to her." He looked at Tony's back view. "Nah."

***

Bruce was nearly dozing when he heard a commotion and sat up. He blinked at the approaching spectacle. Tony Stark, wearing galoshes. Yes. Tony Stark, wearing galoshes and holding a bright pink plastic laundry basket full of clothes. Check. Tony Stark, wearing galoshes and holding a bright pink plastic laundry basket full of clothes, being dragged by... well, either a mutant calf, or a very large and ugly half-grown mongrel on a rope tied to the laundry basket.

"Whoa, slow down, Al!" Tony yelled as the beast caught sight of Bruce and picked up speed. "Bruce! Bruce, hi! Help is on the way! Natasha's bringing a helijet! Clint says he'll hide us if we pay him in Twinkies!"

Bruce went to meet Tony. The dog frisked around him, nearly knocked him over, and barked. A lot. Bruce shouted, "Where did you get the horse? AND WHY?"

"Al, SIT!" Tony shouted, which had absolutely no effect on the dog. Bruce fell, and Tony got dragged down with him. The dog pounced on them and licked their faces until it suddenly stiffened, sniffed and whirled to face the truck. It yelped and leaped in to attack Twinkies, hauling the basket behind it, clothes flying everywhere. "Um," Tony said, looking at Bruce. "Well. He was chained up in the yard. The whole time I was bargaining for clothes and the use of the phone, he was howling. They didn't even _notice_. He didn't even have a _name_. And then I remembered you'd said you missed your dog, and I thought... well... he's really a puppy. Chained up. It didn't seem right. So, you know, if you don't want him, I'll find him another home."

Bruce looked at the huge, ugly beast gulping down the crullers meant for Betty. "Why Al? Albert Einstein, he definitely isn't."

Tony grinned. "No, Alloy. I don't know what he is, but definitely there's more than one element involved."

"Yes, I think he's a mixture of Rhodesian Ridgeback, Great Dane, Mastiff and possibly Mammoth." Bruce studied Al's huge, filthy paws, and slowly smiled. "Think we can get him to jump on Captain America?"


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey!" Tony yelled and waved at the helijet. Al barked and ran around in circles, dragging Tony along with him by the rope. Bruce sat on the rock and laughed at the two of them. 

"TONY."

"Aw, crap, it's Captain Partypoop," Tony said as the helijet set down and Captain America emerged, shield on one arm, and an 'I disapprove' look on his face. "Hey, Cap, want a Twinkie?"

Captain America's frown deepened. "Are you drunk? I'm hoping you are, because if this is how irresponsible you are when you're sober, I never want to see you drunk."

"Sic 'em, Al!" Tony didn't really mean it, but his feelings were hurt. Tony can't remember the last time he was drunk. Granted, the last time he was drunk he doesn't really remember, but that's different. Al looked up at Tony and then sat down to scratch before leaning close to Steve to lick his boots. Tony sighed and dropped the rope. "Traitor. Won't anyone defend my dishonor?" 

Natasha and Clint were sitting in the helicarrier, looking bored. Neither of them leaped to Tony's defense. 

"I'm really feeling the love here, people."

Bruce cleared his throat. "I think Tony did a good job. He kept the other guy pretty calm and...you know... kept the damage down. No one was hurt. A donut shop and a truck... that's nothing."

"Right!" Tony said, grinning and nodding. "See, no problem."

Steve stepped up into Tony's personal space, which Tony wouldn't have minded at all, under friendlier circumstances. "The problem is you, Tony. For a genius, you act like an IDIOT! What were you THINKING!"

"I was thinking that... you know what, you wouldn't understand. Not everyone's a wind-up toy soldier. People have NEEDS." Tony was getting really irritated. Bruce had been so relaxed and enjoying their outing and now he was all shy and miserable again, sitting on his rock with his feet drawn up, trying to make himself small and invisible again. "Bruce is my FRIEND."

Steve is practically in Tony's face, now. "You don't act like a friend when you get him in trouble!"

Tony growled. He was SO Bruce's friend. He was so angry he wanted to smash something.

Bruce jumped off the rock and ran over to Tony. "Oh, God, I forgot. Tony, no, don't... we... didn't take precautions."

Tony shrugged Bruce off. It felt good to be angry. He yelled at Steve and for once his voice got deeper when he got angry instead of lighter. He liked that. He liked that a lot. Bruce tugged at his arm, and he glanced down. His arm... oh. His arm was turning blue and getting larger. A lot larger. He felt funny. His chest... things were moving. He fell to his knees, with Bruce shouting in his ear and Steve and Natasha and Clint all yelling and his chest. Oh God, no, the arc reactor. He put his hand up to his chest but he couldn't stop it, the reactor moved, it moved, oh, god, no, it _popped_ out of his chest, reactor and case and bloody little bits of shrapnel, all popped out and god no, there's a hole in his chest and people around him and hands and...

"NO!" Tony twisted away from all the hands reaching, trying to get at him, trying to touch his heart. "NO, OBIE, NO!" He turned and ran, longer and longer steps until he was jumping and things were flying past and there was wind in his ears, and no one could hear him panicking. He was somewhere in the mountains when he heard something thumping along beside him, matching his leaps. He looked over to see the Hulk, frowning at him, but not in a mean way. As if he was worried about him. That's right. The Hulk was his friend. Tony landed by a stream and looked around before thinking to pat his chest. Huh. No hole. But very big and very blue. He poked at himself. Blue?

The Hulk landed next to him and poked at his chest. Tony giggled, which sounded funny, deep and rumbly. He tickled the Hulk. The Hulk laughed and tickled him back. Tony wrapped his arms around the Hulk and kissed him. The Hulk tasted like donuts and Twinkies. The Hulk rumbled something like a purr, if lions could purr, and put his hands on Tony's big blue ass. Tony grinned, suddenly realizing that he was conveniently naked, and wriggled appreciatively.

"FRIEND?" Tony asked after breaking the kiss enough to lean back and look into the Hulk's green eyes.

The Hulk grinned and pushed Tony back into the grass. "FRIEND," he growled, and moved down to take Tony's dick in his mouth.

"MMMM." Tony sighed and stroked the Hulk's lovely smooth green shoulders. "GOOD. NO TEETH." The Hulk could suck like a black hole. Tony lasted about a minute and a half before coming hard and flopping back on the grass with a satisfied moan. 

The Hulk laid down next to him. "CUDDLE?"

Tony turned toward the Hulk and put his arms around him. "CUDDLE."

***

"I'm so sorry," Bruce said when they both woke up later, naked and normal human-sized. "I'd forgot that, you know... even a drop of my blood, or... other fluids... might be enough to..."

"Oh, don't apologize. This is great." Tony sat up and looked down at himself with satisfaction. His chest was smooth and human, and completely healed. "LOOK! CHEST HAIR! I've missed you so!"

**Author's Note:**

> I now want a t-shirt bearing the words 'The Tony Stark Tantric Sex Experience'.


End file.
